im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
