I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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