mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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