i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
