Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
ugly people sure do ruin things
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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