I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
