He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
