What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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