god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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