I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
