I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize