You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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