I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize