Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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