You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
