I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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