His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
