I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize