My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
