Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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