Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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