you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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