i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
