I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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