If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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