dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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