I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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