my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
