Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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