I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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