she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
