ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
