i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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