The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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