dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
