Whod you bang
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
