I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
