can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
