Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
