I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
