I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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