he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
