so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
