When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
