You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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