Cold hands, warm shart.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
