Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
