why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
this just has baby written all over it
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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