the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
