did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
