If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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