why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
