OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
