The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize