I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
