Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
